Healing Hand Hope Through Child Loss and Grief
Does All Grief Heal?
We all grieve differently after a tremendous loss. But for some;
the sadness becomes impossible to bare or to work through.
For a lot of people, grieving, no matter how intense it is; follows
a similar, variable course.Grieving is all consuming, but eventually
the griever begins to shift into different perspectives.
I have been reading a lot on this subject, and for reasons that
scientists are just now starting to unravel .. the grief lingers and
even intensifies. Until recently, the unresolved grief has had no name of formal diagnosis. It was simply considered depression. Now,
professionals identify it as a condition; Complicated Grief.
It is estimated that about 10% of all greivers experience complicated
grief. This information comes from the director of the Center for
Complicated Grief at Columbia University School of Social Work in NewYork City.
For most they cannot see any way of going on without the deceased. Years can go by, and after the death they still spend days inside the home crying. Extreme isolation is common and often self imposed. They will even stop answering the phone, turn down invitations with friends and relatives. Soon after family and friends begin to see that there is no progress with moving through their grief, even after years, they stop inviting.
Its recognized that complicated grief is also accompanied by the inability to face the reality and finality of the loved one's death, as well as obsessive "magical thinking" about what might have been. This is magnified within those associated with Child Loss.
The good news is that in defining complicated grief--which was recognized in this year's update of the DSM manual of mental conditions--researchers have also begun to develop appropriate treatments. They have created specialized sessions of psychotherapy intervention in which, in addition to other components, grievers revisit the moment they learned of their loved one's death. There they go into an imaginary conversation with them, explaining why they did what they
did or didn't do what they wish they had. Its a very difficult process to find happiness when you feel so much guilt.
Grief never fully goes away .. because the loss never goes away. I can compare this to when my son first died. For years I could not drive past the school and football fields where my son attended school, and played football. I would avoid the route at all costs. Now I can do this .. with a peaceful sense and see him practicing in the fields, and calling out "Hey Mom!!" I can hear him running up to the car and say .. "Did you see me?" What once seemed like a nightmare, has become a welcome and fond memory. I can think about him now, and remember the joy of life with him, and that has given life back to me.