Healing Hand Hope Through Child Loss and Grief
 

  

 

 

   I have worked with hundreds of grievers. I have listened to bereaved parents, widows, and other various losses. I have heard from the old and the young. I have normalized, listened, given knowledge, support and cheered the bereaved who, through relentless pain, still engage with life.

 

   As I enteract with the bereaved, I am always reminded of the universality of grief. And, though each person still has their journey, they still share common experiences.

And yet I still see and hear so much misinformation and confusion around grief. And it comes from the widely-held myths that grief should be easy, that grief should be short, that grief has closure, that people should get on with their lives unchanged and that ongoing connection with the deceased is somehow pathological. As grievers we all know these thoughts and myths are wrong. So, I have written this to try and set the record straight. I'm am stating this on my own experiences, knowledge, interaction with the grieving, and through my own stuidies and working with professional colleagues.

 

   Most people don't learn these lessons until life throws them into this whirlwind of emotional major loss. However, if we can get the word out, then maybe a new generation of individuals will feel more supported and understood when it is their time to grieve.

 

1. Grief is a normal reaction -- Grief is the natural emotional and physical response to the death of a loved one. Although our society desperately wants to avoid the messiness of deep sorrow, there is no way out except through the pain. We can try to numb with such things as medications, alcohol and food. These are only temporary fixes to dull the pain. The only true and real way through grief, is to approach and go through it naturally.

Letting oneself grieve by going directly into the pain -- in manageable doses over a long period of time -- is healing. Avoiding the pain simply forces it to go deep into the heart where it subtly affects emotional and physical health.

 

2. Grief is hard work -- Grief isn't easy and it isn't pretty. It involves tears, sleepless nights, pain, sorrow and a heartache that knocks you to your knees. It can be hard to concentrate, hard to think clearly, hard to read and easy to forget all the details of life that everyone else seems to remember. The bereaved can feel that they're going crazy and they sometimes wish to die. This doesn't mean that they're actively suicidal, it just means that they're grieving.

 

3. Grief doesn't offer closure -- Closure is an idea that we like because we want to tie up our emotional messes and put them away. But grief refuses to play this game. Grief tends towards healing not closure. Visiting a gravesite can be healing, performing rituals, writing in journals and making pilgrimages can be personally meaningful and healing. But they will not bring closure. Closure is not relevant to the human heart. You cannot have or find closure within the death of a loved one.

 

4. Grief is lifelong ? -- Although we all want quick fixes and short-term solutions, grief won't accommodate us. Many people want grief to be over in a few weeks or a few months and certainly within a year. And yet, many bereaved know that the second year is actually harder than the first. Why Because the shock has worn off and the reality of the pain has truly sunk in. I have always referred to my second year of grief, as the "The Doorway To Reality."

 

I let the bereaved know that the impact of grief is lifelong just as the influence of love is also lifelong. No matter how many years go by, there will still be days with tears. There will be days, when sadness crosses over like a storm cloud. And likely, every day going forward will involve some memory, some connection to missing the beloved. After all ... in moving forward, we take everthing with us. The love, the memories, and energy. We even manage to experience a new and special love.

 

5. Grievers need to stay connected to the deceased -- While some might find it odd or uncomfortable to keep talking about a loved one after they have passed, or find it disconcerting to see photographs of those who have died, it is healthy to keep the connection alive. My heart goes out to a generation or more of the bereaved who were told to cut their ties to their loved ones, to move on, almost as if they had never existed. Such unwitting cruelty! It is important to honor our loved ones. To remember thier birthdays, anniversary dates, holidays and any other date that holds a special place and meaning to the surviving loved ones. Their physical presence may be gone, but they remain in relationship to the bereaved in a new way beyond form, a way based in spirit and love. A way that now holds special meaning.

 

6. The bereaved are changed forever -- Those who expect the bereaved to eventually get back to their old selves, will be disappointed. Grief, changes a person irrevocably. Grief, adds to the mixture of life, creating rich and fertile soil. It teaches about living and dying, about pain and love and about impermanence. While some people are changed by grief in a way that makes them bitter and shut down, its also possible for grief to bring us compassion, wisdom, and open-heartedness.

 

7. The bereaved can choose transcendence -- Transcendence has to do with gaining perspective, seeing in a new way and holding pain in a larger context. Seeing one's grief from a larger perspective allows it to be bearable and gives it meaning. For one, transcendence might mean reaching out to those who suffer. For another, it might mean giving to a cause that will benefit others. For the bereaved who choose transcendence; they recognize that they are not alone, that they share a common human condition, and that they are among so many others who have experienced love and loss. They use their pain in a way to touch others. The pain will always exist, of course, but it is transformed.

 

8. Entering into a place of healing -- Thus entering into a place of healing. There are also so many misconceptions in this small term.Transcending our grief brings us to this place. Healing means that we have found a new quality of life again. The deep grief that once controlled our everday lives has passed. Our grief is always with us, we have only transformed it. We are able to find meaning and purpose once more. We still feel, we will always remember, we still have tears. But, we are now able to function within life again.

 

    Reflect on these grief principles. How they may be true for you and how they may be true for someone you know and love. Share and share again so we might spread the knowledge far and wide. And just maybe we can bring a change so huge that the bereaved will know what to expect. And possibly we can find comfort, in small ways, through that knowledge.