Healing Through Grief

Allowing Yourself To Grieve
Your Child has died. You are now faced with the extremely hard, but neccessary need to grieve. Grieving is the open expression of thoughts and feelings through the death of your child. It is an essential part of healing.Within the death of a child, your hopes, dreams, promises and plans for the future are suddenly shattered. The journey you are embarking on is frightening, painful and overwhelming. The death of a child is the most profound bereavement. In fact, sometimes your feelings of grief may be so intense that you cannot understand what is happening. Days turn into nights, and nights turn into days.

Realizing that your Grief is Unique

Your grief is your own, it is unique. The unique child that you loved and cared for so deeply has died. No-one, including your spouse or any other family member will grieve in the way that you will. Your grief is influenced not only by the relationship you had with your child, but also by the circumstances surrounding the death, your emotional support system and your spiritual beliefs.

This is what allows you to grieve in your own special unique way. Try not to compare your experience with that of others or gather assumptions about how long your grief should last. Try to take your grief "One Day At A Time." This allows you to grieve at your own pace, and in your own space.

Its Alright to Feel Numb

The feeling of being numb or dazed when a child dies is a huge part of your early grief. Its easy to feel as though the world has suddenly stopped. This numbness serves a very valuable purpose. It allows the emotions to catch up with what the mind already knows. You may feel as though you are in a dream-like state, and that you'll wake wake up and non of it will be true. The feeling of being numb and disbelief actually cushions you from the reality of the death until you are more able to tolerate what you don't want to believe. This is also what we refer to as shock.

This Death is so out of sorts

Because we believe that a parent should never die before our children, we are now faced with a new and seemingly illogical reality. The shock of this reality says that even though we are older and have been the parent, protector and provider, we have survived while our child has not. This is so difficult to comprehend. The death of your child has violated and defied the law of nature. We believe the young live to grow up, and the old die. But our personal identity was tied to our child. This leaves us to feel impotent and wonder why we couldn't have protected our child from death.

Expect to Feel a Multitude of Emotions

The death of A child can result in a variety of emotions. Confusion, disorganisation, fear, guilt, anger, distortion and panic. Just to name a few of the emotions you may experience. Sometimes these emotions will follow each other within a short period of time. Or they may occur simultaneously, in cycles. As strange as some of these emotions may seem, they are normal and healthy. Allow yourself to learn from these feelings. And don't be surprised if out of nowhere you suddenly experience surges of grief, even at the most unexpected times. These grief attacks can be frightening and leave you feeling overwhelmed. They are, however, a

natural response to the death of your child. Its so important to have someone that can understand your feelings, and allow you to share them.

Be Gentle to Yourself

Grief can leave you fatigued and absolutely exhausted at times. The ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. Energy levels can drop drastically. It can be very demanding to keep up with the normal tasks in life that you are use to performing. Mainly with a spouse, surviving children, friends, family and the work environment. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible. Caring for yourself

doesn't mean feeling sorry for yourself, it means you are using survival skills.

Talk About Your Grief

Express your grief openly. When you share your grief outside yourself, healing occurs. Ignoring grief won't make it go away. Talking about your grief and expressing it usually makes one feel better. Allow yourself to speak from your heart, not just your head. Doing so doesn't mean you are losing control or going "crazy". Its a normal part of your grief journey. Grief is nine tenths expression. When we share, we gain in return.

Watch Out for Cliches

Cliches - meaningless comments some people make in order to diminish the loss. This can be extremely painful for you to hear. Comments like, "You are holding up so well", "Time heals all wounds", "Think of what you have to be thankful for" or "You have to be strong for others." Not constructive things to say to a grieving parent. While these comments may have no harm intended, you do not have to accept them. You have every right to express your grief. No one has the right to try and take it away.

Having Suport

Reaching out to others and accepting support can be hard to do, especially when you hurt so much. But the most compassionate self-action you can do at this difficult time is to find the support of caring friends and relatives who can provide the understanding you need. Seek out people who encourage you to be yourself and that will acknowledge your feelings. Both happy and sad. A support group may be one of the best ways to help yourself. In a group, you can connect with other parents who have experienced the death of a child. You will be allowed and gently encouraged to talk about your child as much, and as often, as you like. Sharing the pain won't make it disappear, but it can ease the thoughts of feeling as though you are crazy, and bring reassurance in knowing you are not alone. Support comes in different forms, find what works best for you.

Embrace and Treasure The Memories

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of your child. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring these memories, share them with your family and friends. Keep in mind that memories can be tinged with both happiness and sadness. If your memories bring laughter, smile. If your memories bring sadness, then it's all right to cry. Memories were made from love .. no one can take them away from you.

Gather Important Keepsakes

You may want to collect important keepsakes that help you treasure your memories. You may want to create a memory book, which is a collection of photos that represent your child's life. Some people create memory boxes to keep special memories. Then, whenever you want, you can open up your memory box and embrace these special memories. The reality that your child has died does not diminish your need to have these special treasures. They are a tangible, lasting part of the special relationship you had with your child. Everything is precious and has meaning.

Embrace Your Spirituality

If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem comforting to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your beliefs. If you are angry at God because of the death of your child, realize this feeling is a normal part of your grief work. Find someone to talk with who won't be judgemental of whatever thoughts and feelings you may have. You may hear someone say, "With faith, you don't need to grieve". Don't believe it. Having your personal faith does not keep you from needing to talk, or from expressing your thoughts and feelings. To deny your grief is just inviting problems that build up inside you. Express your faith, but express your grief as well.

Move Through Your Grief To Heal

Grieving is a must. You can't heal unless you openly express your grief. Denying your grief will only make it become more confusing and overwhelming. We have to embrace our grief to heal our grief. Grief is an extention of the purest and most unconditional love. Without that love, we would feel no grief. Working through grief does not happen overnight. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself. Never forget that the death of child changes your life forever. Everything goes into transitions. Grief is very profound and powerful. But so is the ability to help yourself heal. In doing the work of grieving, you are moving toward a renewed sense of meaning and purpose in your life. Finding a place where you can take back a sense of quality in life once more. The deep grief lightens, and it no longer controls you. The penetrating pain and sadness weakens and allows for these transformations to occur. Its your grief. Live it, Express it and embrace it.